Protective Custody for Peaches

One year we had no fruit fly, second year we had fruit fly or some buggy grubby thing.  Last year we didn't have fruit fly and we got to enjoy THIS beauty.  One peach (Angel Peach - donut peach bought on Brenna's birthday years ago) between six people but oh that little bit was BLISS!
 

I managed not to kill the tree when I pruned it (always a bonus!) and this year had heaps of blossoms on and tiny fruit began.  However, two days of gale force winds at the wrong time and there are only a few peaches left on the most sheltered side of the tree.  So as much as I would love to just let the peaches ripen in the sun I actually want to EAT them this year.

prior to being 'taken in' to custody

Yellow for a Special Birthday today

Five years ago today, a tiny little Brenna baby girl was born.

...today for making Brenna's Birthday cupcakes, I decided to go with yellow. 

There were yellow lemons on the bench, yellow and white flowers in the vase.  Lemon cupcakes I decided.  Used this recipe from Taste.com and completely didn't follow the method, rather put the whole lot in the bowl and whizzed it.  It worked :) but I am sure it would have been a lot lighter had I followed the method.  I was just aware of the time and needing to be at school in time for Zeke's Class Play performance.

Despite wondering if they would turn out at all, the cupcakes are made ready to sing Happy Birthday tonight.

later this afternoon, when the boys were home from swimming, Brooke called everyone in the kitchen to show what she has been working on, now finished.  She had finished it earlier in the term but had been keeping it aside until today.

Class 7s make their very own doll from scratch, all the children make one, both boys and girls.  Most of the time they make one that resembles themselves... however Brooke did hers as 'Brenna'.  She's done a lovely job and you could see she was really pleased with the work she put in and how it turned out.

ONE PEACH

Our one, lone... PEACH. Only one but oh the aromatic sweet mmm bliss juicy-ness of it all was enough before we even had a bite! It's an 'Angel Peach' (or 'donut peach') bought for Brenna for Christmas a few years ago... it has beautiful blossoms and now... the fruit finally!

it got cut...

Brenna's Birth Date today

Four years ago today, in the early hours of the morning, at 5.40am, after being induced the night before, a tiny little girl slipped from my body. The last time we would touch each other. My heart had wanted to hold on to her, refused to let go... and my body was listening. Despite three very painful (and heartbreaking) contractions the afternoon before I was still holding on... so the induction it was.

It must be that time of year

...and a mini-food forest style (unintentional) experiment.



Symbolic of this time of year. Still cool enough that the kids need warm stuff on, but not COLD enough that Mum won't let them play with the water in the barrow, or in the pot... or get tooo bothered about jumping in puddles on the way to school hence, three pairs of Quinn shoes out to dry (and several changes of clothes during the day!) and the a few of the girls (chooks - namely Combless, Bacon, Stripey and Spots) in the background enjoying the last few rays of sun before heading off to bed.

& see all these white dots (if you click on the pic there's even more of them!)?

Always

Even though the years have gone by, still missing you, Brenna. Never far from my heart. Your little scar inside my body is your 'place'. I can't come to lay flowers there, I can't sit by that place and cry (not in the way that people 'usually' do, though certainly I've cried endless tears from within) but your birthplace and place of last 'breath', are right here inside me that I will carry forever. No matter if I am clothes-free, no matter where on the planet I am, that little place no one can take away. It's there forever.

Your little scar is right there... next to your siblings little 'mark on the wall' on my insides. Five little 'we were here' scars. Life scars. Full of promise. Of Love. And while your ashes are here at home, I know you're here, somewhere. So much makes me think of you.


I never am far away from you. Ever.
xo Mummy

eta I felt I should add in here as it was initially a 'pic only' post. This day when I posted was Brenna's EDD. The day (or thereabouts) that she should have been born had she lived and been born at 'term'. I would have settled for not even 'term' if she could have lived. That aside... These are 5 lovely little babes that my friend Miss C had made by the lovely D, for us when Quinn was born - one to represent each of our babies. The candle is a beeswax candle kit - lay out, add wick, roll. done. So I just wanted something simple to post on Brenna's edd, and this was spot on. xo Nice work D and Miss C xo

Excuse me, Mr Hallmark..?

Thought I'd share -this link-. Oh if only...

had Brenna been born on her EDD this 11th of March, which is just a few days away, she would be almost 3. Three years old. Our children's age list would look like this:
Brooke 11, Jake 9, Zeke nearly 6, Brenna nearly 3, Quinn 2. I know I know it doesn't work that way...

Brenna's EDD March 2008, actual birthday 21st Sept 2007. There would be two living sisters in this house, and three brothers. There are seven stockings hang at Christmas but Brenna never gets to open hers in the tiny hours of Christmas morning, all excited. She's here, our Brenna, in our hearts and our thoughts, our memories and around us all the time... just that she's not here, safe and warm in my arms or in her bed... and there's not a thing I can do about it, nor can I 'turn to the back of the book' to find out the answers... to why. Her little life started right here inside of me, and stopped right here inside of me... inside my body that was supposed to keep her alive. I carried her lots inside me and a little after she was born then she was in my arms no more. Ever again.

Brenna's little singlets.

Miss you Brenna. Every. single. day.
Love, Mummy
xo

Today's images

Usually the light in the kitchen through the skylight lights up Brenna's name across the top of the tall cabinets... even though at the moment the skylight is covered to keep the heat out, still this picture is the light shining on her name where it found a gap between the cover...




and this morning for breakfast... a silly idea, really, in hindsight because the children had their Christmas stockings of course in the morning so they were really NOT that hungry when I made breakfast... at least Father Christmas here puts some 'good' food (tiny multi pack cereals which they love) in their stocking *wink* so they get a reasonable start to the day on Christmas morning...


So I made pancakes with apple - I saw on a blog somewhere just the slices of apple, and then I followed my shaped fruit theme and did some apple stars, some banana circles etc you could do anything you like with them really... they do tend to want to try and stick a little more, the fruit down side so just keep an eye on them and the fine film of olive oil in the pan.



and 'OTT chocolate fudge brownies' - it's a microwaveable recipe from Tupperware (thanks A!) but I did mine in the oven and the second time round, with the oven slightly lower and taking them out earlier than the recipe suggested for oven, they worked quite well. Fresh cherries and cream. Treat. Also a substitute-cross since I intended to use our fresh chook eggs and make pavlova... but in the end this was a one-less-thing-to-make and a lot less eggs - because the pavlova uses the white I would have then made a quiche with the yolks so two things to bake and the pavlova was a 1.5hr cook time... maybe that can be dessert later in the week... don't have to have everything on the one day, right?

Best wishes for the year ahead, staying safe and making memories.

Three Years Ago today

Birthday Wishes to our Brenna
We love and miss you very much
...always...
come blow your candles with us tonight

The other day the first name on the credits of a show I watch was my Dad's name, followed by a variation on Brenna's name... and I said the two names together, [Dad] & Brenna... and then pondered that I would never have a photo of the two of them together, with the caption written by my Mum saying [Dad] and Brenna...

and then reading someone's sig on a forum, their baby born at x weeks gestation (very prem, survived) and I know that's not an easy road either, but just some more weeks and Brenna could have maybe made it... you know? And having Brooke's friend over the other day, the two of them together and two of our boys were at a friend's place and Quinn was asleep... and how different it was having two girls in the house together... so I wondered some more...
still I wonder if I did something - I mean, I know 'these things happen' but it seems so less easy to 'get' that when it's you... I was carrying a little girl inside me, she was growing and moving... who at term in my arms warm from being born would have been a little girl... to grow up in our house, with us... all of us, take her first steps, giggle at her siblings. Instead grows up in our hearts, our littlest tiny girl.

although my ... 'happy' was today when we were at an appt and M said to Jake, 'how many brothers and sisters do you have, Jake?' And without hesitation he replied 'I have two brothers and two sisters'... smile inside from me. Made Mum proud, matey.

So Brenna is in a million ways, still much a part of our lives. Just not as we ever intended, but not less loved. xo

I wrote this a while ago, quite a while ago now actually. But it's still so spot on. Ever grateful for the life I have. Always missing our Brenna.

Loving and missing you
as always

It's Too Much...

it's too much to imagine
that I didn't get to see
you as your chubby little self,
and you, to see me...

It's too much to imagine
I'll never see you grin,
or cry or laugh or learn new things
because you have your wings.

It's too much to imagine
all the 'what might have been'
I wanted you so desperately,
how could the world be so,
so mean...

with much love,
Mummy xo

An 'all made' dinner and peach

Okay well we didn't grow the flour/ingred for the focaccia nor the Spanish onion (ok or the cheese!) but other than that dinner was all 'grown at home' - ours or someone elses lol. the eggs for the omlette from A's chooks and tomato from their bush - mmm (yellow cherry and standard reds), plus basil, chives, spring onion and thyme from ours. The lettuce from our garden (we have several varieties and just pick the leaves each night) and the focaccia with herbs from our oven. mmmm I think I could get used to more dinners like this... it's upped the possibility of us doing the chook-thing... (previously decided no).

Also guess what Michael found hiding the other day... a sole Angel Peach (name of the variety - it's a 'doughnut' peach), Brenna's peach tree from last Christmas. While we did get blossoms we weren't expecting fruit for a while yet and certainly not it's first season. We thought all the blossoms had fallen but apparently not...

I found this

I found this late one night down at the chemist... I must have looked like a real dope because I don't know how long I stood and looked at it. Brenna would have had dark hair (as she did when I 'saw' her) and this little face has glimpses of her silbings... the picture just 'caught' me... it's a platter, I bought it for Christmas 2009, for when we do Brenna's birthday cupcakes... even taking the pcitures I found myself staring at the pic for ages...



Christmas wishes to you, Brenna xo

Brenna's Birthday Today 21st September... 2 years since she was born.

The pics are a little dark. Will retake when the sun comes out to play.

Blossoms and buds on Brenna's Angel Peach tree...

Aren't they beautiful?
One of the other photos I took of the bud, you can see how it's folded up all tiny, the folds, and the edges of the petals.

This thing about time.

Time. A lot of life is lived by it. A lot of people say it should be irrelevant. We often wish it faster or slower. Every now and then when I read a story of a prem birth I think that just another 6-8 weeks and had Brenna been born alive she would have had a chance... maybe not perfect, maybe lots of things and certainly not an easy road... but alive. and with a chance.

A Glimpse...

Just a little glimpse of the better parts of our garden. It's still very much a work in progress... It's a funny time of year really. I know spring is coming. I know that this time two years ago I was pregnant with Brenna and preparing for Brooke's birthday... so in March next year, if Brenna had gone to full term and been born alive, she would be nearly two... as it stands, it's not far until September this year for the two year Anniversary of her Birth... so when I know Spring is coming it's a mix of Brooke's birth, anticipation, my first-born, everything that came with it... and of being pregnant with Brenna, preparing for Brooke's Birthday, and then of losing Brenna. Of being pregnant with her, knowing she wouldn't be born alive, and shopping for a special blanket for her.

So I think a beautiful time of year, a 'fresh' time of year but with a little tinge on the edge of all the beauty. I know you can't really do it this way but heck, I didn't get to find out the 'other' so I'm going to just have a play with the numbers... in March next year 2010, had Brenna been born in her EDD of March 2008 (rather than her actual Birthdate of Sept 2007), Brooke would be 10, Jake 8, Zeke 5, Brenna 2 and Quinn would be just turned 1... an impossible thought really... yes yes, I know it might not have been that way but like I said, indulging my imagination.

And what a portrait that would make... 3 golden/brown hair kiddies, and two with dark hair... Brenna and Zeke would be definately two peas from the same little pod... how lucky am I...
So to the pics... the little lemon-yellow and white flower is from S, one of the WA girls from NC... came with a little bag of things when Quinn was born, bulbs for Brenna's garden and this is one of the flowers... tiny beautiful little flowers they are - you really have to click on that pic to see all the beautiful detail in it. So yes... a strange time of the year. Nevertheless... one I look forward to and enjoy watching unfolding... feeling the air change, the smells change and seeing the new life and colour just come from seemingly nowhere, or at least, from the cold green of winter.
This year I was contemplating doing a butterfly release for Brenna's birthday... still thinking on that one.

and the other three pivs are of the plum blossoms. Just this 'stick' of a tree and it's almost exploding into blossom... can't wait to see how the plums come on! The apricot and Brenna's Angel Peach have done the same. There's one 'slow' plum - not sure if it's the later fruiting variety or if it's not feeling well, so we'll see. And our mandarine, which has been saved (by me! haha) from... expulsion from the garden several times, has blossoms - woot woot! The lime tree for Brenna's garden from E and Family, has little tiny limes on it LOL they're too cute! The mulberry is it's usual loony self and just does it's thing when it's ready so there have been berries on it for a while now. Anyhoo... just some pretty pictures from today. Hope all is well. xo

Still broken but cradled...

I was thinking about it the other day... Quinn has 'healed' (not the right word) some parts of me after losing Brenna... not that I miss her less or ache less in that sense because I don't... but that how situations make me feel is so very different now, to before Quinn...iykwim I would read about other people feeling the same (before I was pregnant with Quinn) and while I heard what they said I never really understood how it made that difference... iykwim

I think it's that I haven't finished my pregnancy/birthing/Baby days on such a sad note and I think it's made a difference in that sense - that baby things don't automatically make me sad because they're in a different context now.
Although Baby Girls... seeing my friend's baby who was due the same time as Brenna etc still does catch my heart off-guard... there's still tears when I least expect them... that kind of thing... so I do still 'get' it... and while I've come a long way, I'm still a Mum to a little girl I can never hold again... one I wish for so much... long to see what she would look like now, playing with her siblings...

Sadly there is a new Precious Angel, born not too long ago into the world too early to a loving family... the ache has only just begun... rest Little Man with a handsome name. Whispered kisses to you, and to your Family. Hugs to Mum... xo

How Many Children do you Have?

How many children do you have/is this your first/how many boys or girls do you have?'

I am determined never to leave Brenna out. The very few times I have, I've felt so blergh for doing so... So I decided when we conceived this Little Boy, that in answer to the above question, I was always going to answer 'five' - it just took me a while to work out how to answer that this Bub will be our fifth, but at the same time to say it so people don't think there are four living children at home... because I don't want it to seem... a misrepresentation I guess - people spin out if you say this is your fifth and in that sense, the way most people assume it, well, she's not at home, I don't have to do all those things for her although I wish I did need to... and the few times (I think all three of them) that I've said oh we have three at home and just not mentioned that we lost Brenna, I have not felt good about it. The times I haven't mentioned it have been for their benefit and I think after, well why should she miss out on being acknowledged just so someone doesn't 'not know what to say'..?

NB I love this picture - 'peekaboo!'... I see pictures or drawings or anythings of little angel girls with dark hair and wonder. I know I've seen her once and that was so precious and so amazing...

Anyway, to 'what to say'... I did say for a while 'this is my fifth, we have three at home and lost our daughter/fourth last year' and then I found a better way to say it... how many people lay awake at night thinking of this exact thing?... something along the lines of
Them: 'is this your first?'
Me: 'no, we have one daughter who we lost last year, and 2 sons and a daughter at home'... the more I say it the better I get at saying it.
it helps having it in my mind in advance. And yes maybe I don't get to do things for her like I do the others, washing clothes, baking and so on, but I am a Mum to her every single day, every single hour in the best way I possibly can be - remembering her and not letting the world forget her.

As well as that, Brooke Jake and Zeke don't let anyone forget her either and for that I am very proud of them - they are as protective of her as they are of each other. Brooke misses her still so much... I hope at least they get to 'see' each other when she dreams. Jake is still quite practical and asks the 'matter-of-fact' type questions, but she's still very much in his mind as well. Zeke, well I think even though he knows her name, and knows the plants that are hers in the garden, he doesn't really understand it of his own accord and will learn it as he grows I guess. He does ask often about this Baby Boy though. And every time I go to the Birth Centre or need anything done relating to the Baby, one of the kids is sure to ask 'is the Baby okay?'... unfortunately these guys know all too well the realities of life and that it isn't all smooth sailing.

Every now and then I still set one extra plate before I've even realised, or get out one extra cup... I still wonder why she couldn't stay... what happened... why she was fine and heart beating at ten weeks and then nothing later... why she was born at sixteen weeks and not later on, when even if she was early she could still be here with us... I guess I'll always wonder.

Another thing is how people feel it's their place to decide whether she is worth being counted or not. From the medical world to just people in general. The latter maybe not to your face, but definately otherwise. And I think, well you know what - what does it matter to you? It changes nothing in your life and means everything to us. I birthed her, we marvelled at her tiny fingers and tiny toes, her Brothers and Sister and Nanna got to meet her, even though her heart had stopped - WE love her... So you don't get to make that decision. I am so pleased when people we know include Brenna, either by numbers count of children, or by name. It really is true for me that

The mention of our child's name may bring tears to our eyes
but if never fails to bring music to our ears
Friends please don't keep us from hearing the beautifuil music
It soothes our broken hearts and fills our souls with love

As I said to someone else before, I look back now, this path I'm on and can't believe how far we've come since losing Brenna. How I never thought I'd ever see the day that wasn't filled with tears from wake until sleep... I wondered how on earth I'd function in everyone else's world again... and how anything could ever make me smile... and here I am. Still an endless path in front of me but so far that we've come already, if that makes sense - and we've come that far without even realising it. When people talk about grief they talk about 'time' as in it being a healer... and I find that very hard to hear, I'm not sure why exactly - time doesn't fix things. But, going gradually down the path you find yourself on, means that at times you will have come further in your 'journey'... things will change as you walk that path, things will evolve - your grief will evolve and grow with you as you move down the path... I can't think of a better way to explain it. And even though people tell you this will happen, and you know it's happened for other people - you can't ever ever imagine it for yourself...
until one day... you look back and realise how far you've come...