The Conversation went like this...

Jake's drawing that he did, with everyone's names on it...

The other day, Jake had his friend J over and J's little brother M. Brooke, Jake, Zeke, J, M & I were all sitting around the table eating when the topic came up how many boys and how many girls there were. Quite logically of course to him, J announced there were two girls and four boys... both Brooke and Jake immediately answered that there were really four girls and four boys and J asked how that could be. Brooke and Jake both said well for the girls there's Mummy, Brooke, Brenna and Jemma... to which J asked who's Brenna. Brooke and Jake both said 'she's my Sister', she's an Angel now'... J took this explanation quite easily and acceptingly and said 'well okay then if we don't count Jemma, because she's a dog, then there's three girls and four boys, but if we count Jemma then there's four boys and four girls'. Just like that. It makes my heart feel good that Brenna is still counted every day by her Brother & Sister. xo

Today's Sewing.

There are plenty of friends pregnant and due this year, so it's time to get sewing...

Here's the NB (newborn) nappies I made this afternoon. They are the Very Baby pattern, newborn with seam allowance. All but one are stitched and turned. Microfleece inners, and either bamboo or hemp soakers, and knit print, terry or sherpa outers. Yet to do closures on the non-terry outer ones. So 11 nappies for a day's sewing isn't too bad I think. I am quite liking how the stitched in soaker, together with the leg elastic creates a great 'soup-poo' catching spot (photo to the left). Kind of like gussets but not really gussets... anyway, next batch will likely have a quick-dry flip out soaker, rather than a sewn-in soaker. We'll see...

Never Being Where I Am Now...

Well... when I think about where I am now, I never thought I'd be here. After Brenna died, and was born, I never thought I'd see a day without almost continuous tears... I never thought I'd be able to look at the world without looking through tears, and feeling so removed from it all. I felt there was nothing ahead but day after day feeling the same broken-ness...
And yet here I am and I don't quite know how I got here...
Doing every day things and going for lengths at a time without tears... yet still always thinking of Brenna, and wondering, and pondering... and wishing... I'm just further down the road now I guess, further down that road... the hurt, the heartache, the loss is still there, I am just becoming better at it being part of my life, and of you being part of it in a way I never thought I'd ever know... The inner part of me loves and misses you even when my face is free of tears...

It's very strange. Maybe it's just that 'top layer of card' (entry 13th Nov 2007) growing back... because sometimes something will happen or a thought will come, or I'll see or hear or touch something, and I'm right back 'there'... everything is as raw as anything, it grips my heart again so that the tears come... and I guess that's the 'underneath layer' showing itself, when the top layer is unexpectedly 'blown back'... but it's somewhere I never invisioned I'd be... and I haven't 'done' anything to be here, it's just kind of happened. My heart still aches for you... I am just better at holding the ache inside.

Then again, your Birthday, and Mother's Day is coming... and I think more than anything, your Birthday will be one of those times when the raw layer just shines through... how could it not. I still wonder a thousand things, not just the why, and the what, but you'd only be almost 8 weeks old in the first weeks of May this year, had you been born alive at term... you'd be still newborn right now... it's a very strange thing to comprehend really... because it just didn't happen that way. Reality did not oblige... so here we are you and I...

Miss you Brenna...
my Daughter...
xo

Tomahto... Tomaydo...

I've wanted to make my own pasta sauce for yonks... but the one thing I didn't know enough about was the actual bottling process - and I've heard so many variations that I'm not sure which one to go with. Anyway... made the sauce and for now, I've frozen it, kept the bottles I wanted to use and will read more up on it, purchase lids etc if neccesary and bottle mine next batch. Gives me time to clear out the spare pantry cupboard, which is a good dark and cool place, even in summer.

So... how did the sauce go? Well, I spotted the boxes of tomato at the shop - apparently WW had them for $6.90 a box & the F&V for $6 a box... must be inspiring some competition in WW methinks... Anyway, I went halves in a box of tomato, so about:

• 3kg(ish) for $3.50.
• I usually buy Provista Sugo brand pasta sauce, which varies between $3-4 per one litre bottle. I like this brand. From my batch (which began as two stockpot-style pots and ended up as three quarters of one pot),
  
• I got between 4.2 and 4.4 litres... which on my rough caluclations is about 80-90c a litre... (is that right? lol)... so I was happy with that and am looking forward to my next lot!

Bonus is the house was nice and warm, not too warm though, just took the chill off the air and smelt good to boot! Flip side is that between the pasta sauce batch, chopping and freezing veges, bulk meal cooking and freezing etc, the freezer is almost at capacity... no room for bread even this week... so the boys and I walked to the deli with Jemma-Dog today and bought the bread from there - $1.80 for a good wholemeal no nasty loaf so can't complain.

Doll Nappies and Veil-Fruit-Bags...

Well, having finally cleared what is meant to be the sewing table and relocated the machines from where they were holidaying on the dining table, I was very inspired... and well... this is what I made...

a heap of tiny nappies for the dolls at Kindergarten and Playgroup at our school (Steiner school). Fabrics used include sherpa, bamboo, hemp and terry. To the left they're all overlocked waiting to be stitched and turned.


I used the Very Baby pattern, size NB, with no seam allowance and with the top half of the rise removed (to fit the dolls at school). Attached elastic, overlocked leaving opening, turned and topstitched. Then touchtape closure with crossover tab for those littler dolls and of course, only two layers needed because hey...


not too many Waldorf dolls pee! Here's a pic to show what size, that's a business-size card next to the nappy... and how many I made, there's a few waiting for more touchtape. Fun and oh very cute to see them come together... And while I was searching through the fabric box to find some more touchtape I found the remnant fabric from my veil... and well, always planned to make some fruit and vege bags - currently I use string bags but I figured the 'veil' bags would be lighter... so here they are too. Bonus is I already had a little bag that they fit perfectly in so voila!

Of Christiania...

Saturday 19th April 2008
Well, ever since I saw the Christiania bike on Carbon Cops, (go here and click on the top left pic for vid from the show) I have been curious about these bikes... and I finally worked out what they were called (even tho I can't remember how that happened!) and got in contact with the fellow who sells them in Aus, Peter from PS Bikes.
I am so keen it's not funny. Yes yes, I know, I know I will need to save like crazy. But I have to look at it this way - apart from savings in fuel, and to the environment, and apart from the exercise and slowing down the pace of life factor, not to mention the 'with the kids' factor, I gotta look at it like this...
Once we have our bike, even if we can save just HALF the money we would normally spend on fuel in a week... then it won't be long before the bike has reimbursed itself via savings. And then, that money that is saved on fuel, can go towards solar... and then that money that's saved on solar and fuel... can go towards a rainwater tank... and then the money that we're saving on fuel and solar and water... you see - it's a follow-on effect with so many positives it's not funny... so for now... save save save! I know we have to be sensible about what our limits are to save for, and it will take us a while to save for this, but once we reach the first goal, the savings from that will make it that little bit easier to reach the next goal... kinda thing...
Ah but the best part of this post is yet to come! Do tell, do tell I hear you say (or at least 'hurry up and get on with it then!' haha) Well, in chatting with Peter, we ended up hearing from someone (N and A) not too far from us who was willing to have us come round and check out their Christiania bike... that was very awesome that someone was willing to do that! So we did. Michael went for a ride first, no load (the box takes 100kg) and then well heck, all the kids hopped in!
Then it was my turn and once I sussed it out (the steering is different than a 2 wheeler but easy enough to sus esp with N helping with simple suggestions, thanks N!)... so I went for a lap around the block, turning corners, trying footpaths, up and down a driveway or two and most importantly *wink* a hill or two... and I was very impressed. On the flat, after a few pedals the momentum of the bike almost does the rest of the work. Then I hopped Brooke in the front (25kg) and off we went again... and up the hill and it was easier than I thought it would be... (specs on the bike are here, just scroll down a little)

N & A have very generously, and very kindly offered to lend the bike over a weekend and Monday, so we can try it out in our area (which is where I want to use it most), plus try and do a school run with it - which I am very keen to do because if we can do the school runs in the bike (at least half of them anyway), that and the shops is the majority of the travel we do on a normal week...
of course there are kiddy seat belts, optional rain cover, sun cover etc and a host of other things, not to mention what you can add on yourself to suit your particular requirements. You can even have carseats in for littler people.

We have also been offered a loan of a bike and trailer style one, from A and T while they are away, for which we are very thankful because it will give us a chance to have a good trial of both and see what we prefer... Given we've only tried one briefly, I of course haven't decided but am very much leaning towards the Christiania at the moment.

I am truly very excited. One of my biggest questions (how to minimise the car, in practical ways) has been answered. Now I just gotta save!

Bed in a Pillowcase...

Well another great idea from a testimonial from someone who's doing the FLYlady thang - get rid of all your sheets except for two changes per bed. Take the appropriate clean sheets for that bed and pack them in the matching pillowcase, then stash THAT in your linen cupboard/blanket box wherever. When comes time to change the sheets, grab out the relevant pillowcase and voila - everything you need is in there! Well I think that's a great idea!

With the Kids - the Basics of Shopping/Budget

Well, it's school holidays and I thought in aim of saving fuel (since we don't have to go to school and back twice a day) we would walk as many places as we could.

So we sat down and worked out the meal planner for the week using mostly what was in the fridge/freezer/patry. The few things we had to buy for dinner we wrote down on a list, plus any bread/milk/fruit etc. Then we estimated how much each thing would cost, and added it up (this was Brooke doing the list making and adding up). Then I said to Brooke well, we have $40, how much does the list come to? She worked it out, '$44 Mum'. Okay so where can we take a little off here and there to bring it under $40? So we did that, completed the list, made sure we had everything, wrote up the meal planner for the week... Put the list aside.

Late in the afternoon, about 4pm, we set off for the shop (about 4-5km return). We took turns Brooke and I piggy-backing Zeke, each took turns pulling the little trolley box (although Brooke did most of it), chatting about the clouds and traffic and whatever else. We got to cross the bridge over the highway, press several 'pedestrian crossing' buttons and all the rest. Road rules, road sense, checking driveways for reversing cars, any push bikes behind us etc

We got to the shop, found a trolley for Zeke and the trolley box, and started on our list. Brooke and Jake filled the calico bags with the fruit, and weighed it to see how much it would cost, added a little more or took some out depending on how much we had allocated for the item. We wrote down the actual price next to our estimated price so we could see if we had saved any. When it came to a few items that cost more than we had estimated, we could see if we had 40c here or 60c there from an item we saved on, to cover the extra. We checked out quantity vs price (which we often do anyway). As usual, the kids helped unload and reload the trolley. We used just the box and the calico/jute bags.
The few items we couldn't get at the supermarket, we went down to the grocer to get (passing by and checking out the fish in the aquarium on the way). And we were done!

So we packed the shopping into the little trolley box we had, and divided the rest up between the calico/jute bags, and started home. Brooke wanted to pull the trolley box most of the way, but we did take turns alternating between the trolley box, piggy backing Zeke (to cross the roads, he walked most of the way). We left at 4pm and got home at a quarter to six. We got all the groceries inside, and treated ourselves to a cold drink! The kids thought it was great... although that may or may not change if we had to do it every day!

Saving for Solar... and other things...

Amongst other things in my aim to be as self-sufficient as possible:
Saving For Solar
Once we have A and V items paid off (which we will hopefully have done by August this year), apart from putting extra into the mortgage, I want to save for solar...
I know it will pay itself back over the years, besides it being just GOOD eco-sense to do, especially here in sunny Aus. So that's my plan.

HG Fruit and Vege
Home grown fruit and veg... I must admit tho our local grocer is very good, both in what's offered and price, usually at market prices. However, the fuel saved and money saved will still be worthwhile, not to mention how much growing your own f&v (replacing non-food plants) can help save in terms of carbon.
So I have seeds here and am hoping to add to the fruit tree collection... I have a spot all sussed and everything. We had our first worm juice the other day - two ice cream containers full so that's good and the bottom of the compost should be nearly ready to use...

Sharing Produce & Building Community
one of the books I was leant was 'from Lawn to Lunch' (will find out author) and it started something along the lines that the guy established in his cul-de-sac street, a herb/vege garden instead of lawn on his verge... he thought it would be great to have the whole cul-de-sac do it but didn't get a great response initially... so he just did it anyway, made a difference in his own patch. Soon enough, people would ask could they pick this or that, and how did he grow this and long story short but most (all?) of his neighbours did the same, and there was enough that they could swap with others, for what they weren't growing themselves...
THIS is my goal but I know in our street it's FAT CHANCE! So I am networking with people who are keen, my lovely neighbours down the road, families from school (easy place we already go to to meet and swap our produce) and on an informal basis - so no weighing and measuring just 'here I have extra of this would you like some'...

The thing is, it's really true what Eilleen said in her Consumption Rebellion... that the more you try and do things locally, non-consumer style, and NOT buy brand new all the time, the more people you talk to, and form some link with - and this brings not just the benefits of good community itself, but things you never really anticipated, like advice (thanks R&K for the advice on the termites! (more on that later)
Anyway, so that's about it on this front - and I've been doing stuff for a while but I really want to kick it up a gear - save more, spend less where it's not needed, and really go by the
'don't live poor, live smart' motto.

Dear Brenna...

Monday, April 14, 2008

My dear Brenna...
life is still so different,
what never changes it how much I miss you and wish intensely to be holding you now, as a new baby only a few weeks old...
you and I, and all of us, still learning about each other...
big love and hugs

xo
Mummy
--------------------------------------------

Poem for you that I wrote on the 14th January this year...
we ought to have been 32 weeks pregnant together.

It's Too Much...

it's too much to imagine
that I didn't get to see
your chubby little self,
and you, to see me...

It's too much to imagine
I'll never see you grin,
or cry or laugh or learn new things
because you have your wings.

It's too much to imagine
all the 'what might have been'
I wanted you so desperately,
how could the world be so,
so mean...

with much love,
Mummy xo