Never Being Where I Am Now...

Well... when I think about where I am now, I never thought I'd be here. After Brenna died, and was born, I never thought I'd see a day without almost continuous tears... I never thought I'd be able to look at the world without looking through tears, and feeling so removed from it all. I felt there was nothing ahead but day after day feeling the same broken-ness...
And yet here I am and I don't quite know how I got here...
Doing every day things and going for lengths at a time without tears... yet still always thinking of Brenna, and wondering, and pondering... and wishing... I'm just further down the road now I guess, further down that road... the hurt, the heartache, the loss is still there, I am just becoming better at it being part of my life, and of you being part of it in a way I never thought I'd ever know... The inner part of me loves and misses you even when my face is free of tears...

It's very strange. Maybe it's just that 'top layer of card' (entry 13th Nov 2007) growing back... because sometimes something will happen or a thought will come, or I'll see or hear or touch something, and I'm right back 'there'... everything is as raw as anything, it grips my heart again so that the tears come... and I guess that's the 'underneath layer' showing itself, when the top layer is unexpectedly 'blown back'... but it's somewhere I never invisioned I'd be... and I haven't 'done' anything to be here, it's just kind of happened. My heart still aches for you... I am just better at holding the ache inside.

Then again, your Birthday, and Mother's Day is coming... and I think more than anything, your Birthday will be one of those times when the raw layer just shines through... how could it not. I still wonder a thousand things, not just the why, and the what, but you'd only be almost 8 weeks old in the first weeks of May this year, had you been born alive at term... you'd be still newborn right now... it's a very strange thing to comprehend really... because it just didn't happen that way. Reality did not oblige... so here we are you and I...

Miss you Brenna...
my Daughter...
xo