Brenna's Birthday... 1 Year Today since she was born.

It's been one year today since Brenna was born. I remember where we were this time last year... where it was enough effort simply to wake up each morning and breathe...

They are with us for such a short time
but our heart knows nothing of time,
only love, pure love.

Bec that is so right and such a spot on way to express it, thankyou.
We had a small morning lay-in together before getting up. I was doing quite okay intially, preparing things for this afternoon, chatting as usual to the kids and so on, quite cheery... until the oven stopped working midway through the second cake... All I wanted was to make a cake for her! At least I had the bottom layer done, I would just have to purchase a plain cake to do the top layer, and hope that on a Sunday I could find what I was looking for... Michael did his best to sus out the problem but to no avail.

So I was a little grr but still ok until later in the day I happened to go look in my antenatal folder from the Birth Centre where of course it has your pregnancy history. They had Brenna's all wrong. They didn't even have her name down while they had Brooke, Jake's and Zeke's... they had her down as 'D&C' and didn't even have her gender down - I didn't have a D&C! She was BORN, I birthed her! The way they had written things, the things they had left out - they had written Brenna off as some medical glitch. I was so angry - how dare they! - and of course then the tears came, and I think I yelled a few choice words (then apologised to my son growing inside!)... I was, at this time sitting in the car by myself so there was no one to hear me thankfully! I think this is when the mood of the day really turned.

It took some time to regain composure, but once I got home, I got the liquid paper and a black pen and I fixed it. If they have a problem with that, so be it - she's our daughter, my daughter, I birthed her and since they're so keen to not count her, why should they care if I write in her details - correctly! I should add that Brenna being the only one of our Babies not born at the Birth Centre, this information would have come from KEMH direct... and I know hospitals are medically oriented but still...

So the day didn't really go as planned. One of those kinda days where you're not in the best mood yourself, the kids go a little silly and annoy each other and perhaps you don't deal with it as well as you normally might, and things just don't quite go how you planned, you know and not at all what I hoped it would be for Brenna, for us. It's okay though - in our heart is what matters.
And to be thankful for - everyone is safe here asleep, Brenna's beautiful cake is waiting for tomorrow (because Zeke fell asleep so we will sing Happy Birthday and cut and share the cake tomorrow afternoon when he is awake) and I am sure she knows every thought in my heart, and our Son in my belly is making his presence felt and I go to bed next to my Husband.
I said to the kids 'sorry today was such a grumpy day' - because I didn't mean it to be at all... Brooke shed a few tears tonight when she hugged me goodnight, and Jake wishes me "sweet dreams on Brenna's Birthday, Mummy". Zeke kept asking when was Brenna coming to see her cake...
speaking of which... some photos of her cake, and the cupcakes. more photos here of the cake, and here of the cupcakes. The pink on the cake was meant to be a little softer.

I wanted to make it more special, for Michael & I, for the kids, for Brenna. I"m annoyed with myself I got grumpy. Brenna's Birthday is one of the few things we get to do as parents for her, as well as remembering her of course, and not letting the world forget her. Hopefully tomorrow afternoon when we cut the cake and sing Happy Birthday, and the few other things, we can achieve that little bit extra 'specialness'.

I had initally thought of having a 'Brenna's Garden Party' and have close family and friends in our casual gear, doing some more work to get her garden closer to finished but in the end the choice was 'just us' this time... and then the storm came outside lol and the oven stopped working and everything wasn't really ready until about 5 or 6pm lol so in the end I think just 'us' at home was a good thing.
We baked bread rolls, Michael did sausage sizzle on the bbq, braving the cold lol (it's been really mild here lately but today was a sudden change of weather) and we had salad followed by cupcakes. Simple but good.

Thankyou to everyone who thought of us today and/or sent messages via EB, Nappycino or email... and to Brenna, who even though you aren't in our arms today, and we miss you immensely, Mummy & Daddy are still so pleased you could be with us for the time you were... loved and missed by so many...

Wanted for so long
Grown and cherished inside me,
held in our arms just once ... in our hearts forever...
Miss you Baby Girl... Brenna,
we all love you xo